Confession Time! (Part I)

What many people do not know about me:

I do actually read spam mails. All of them.

It started when I was still employed at Bond University. Back then this was a daily routine: SPAM mail from the middle management, full of strangely ministerial buerocratic language, such as ... henceforth be advised ..., ...please be advisedth..., the Vice Chancellor in his infinite wisdom and his beauty wishes to advise to the general mortal populace..., etc.

But the hilariously amusing aspect in this idiocy had an unexpected effect on me:

I got addicted to it.

So once my carefully configured IMAP folder in.bondidiots fell silent, I soon felt the cold turkey withdrawal syndroms and turned to the methathonic in-junkmail.


So you do not believe that SPAM mails are funny? Let me show you some, such as the following Subject lines:

  • [SPAM] 73% off robert.barta

No, this is not a diet thing (and NO, it is NOT necessary, can I please talk to you outside?). It is for an ad for wrist watches! Thank you.

Cool are those with a hint of contradiction

  • [SPAM] SOLD OUT -LIMITED OFFER-

or those which threaten and promise at the same time (very bond-universitian):

  • [SPAM] Our target is your happy life

Others stretch your imagination beyond imagination (ha!) in that they refer to properties you not really would expect the thing to have:

  • [SPAM] uucp, The only painkiller you ever needed.

I do not know about you, but I would doubt the healing powers of UUCP. It caused pain and many people suspected that that was the whole idea.

Only very few (those which are not 1:1 translations from Chinese and Russian) have a successful play with words:

  • [SPAM] Happy feet, happy heart, happy spirit. Designer footwear will kick start your success.

And they are so educated, too!


Others are funny, because they promise effects which I already experience on a daily basis:

  • [SPAM] Girls will hunt you in the streets!

or they remind me of Ofra Haza:

  • [SPAM] Big and huge are her needs

or they openly threaten me to throw me into alternate universes:

  • [SPAM] Your mom naked
  • [SPAM] Be Britney's Spears

And others pride themselves with the lowest probabilities since the detection of the Tunnel effect:

  • [SPAM] Stop complaining about $ize

or

  • [SPAM] We caught you naked ! check the video

As usual, SPAM related to Mirkosoftian software needs reading the fine-print:

Subject: Microsoft Office

Microsoft Office Enterprise 2007 includes:
....

System Requirements

 Intel Pentium  or AMD 500 MHz processor
 ... Microsoft Windows Vista.
 256 Mb of RAM
 2GB of available hard-disk space.

I just would love to see Vista running on 256 MB, with that whopping 500MHz, off the 2G disk. Please can someone upload a video to YouTube.com when this machine boots? Just wondering: Do they have a size limit on videos?

Others seem to target Windows users only:

  • [SPAM] Hallo, bremst die Software? Es ist der qualitative Ersatz notig?

("Hello, does the Software slow down? Is a qualitative replacement necessary?")

which is amusing from several perspectives. Once you think about it, it could also be an ad for Viagra, right? Others keep me more in limbo

  • [SPAM] Stable results guaranteed

whether this is not about Mirkosoft time-less pieces.


Some spam suffers from unfortunate combinations of words:

  • [SPAM] Cigarette kills you every day!

I guess, only the Highlanders among us will know how this feels.

To prove that Germans can be funny too:

  • [SPAM] Man Lebt nur einmal - probiers aus !

("You only live once - try it!") or

  • [SPAM] Ihre Gesundheit genehmigt

("Your health was approved") showing that in Germany you have to get an approval for everything.

My favourite in this category is

  • [SPAM] Wir wissen was Frauen wollern

because ... because .... I do not know. "Wollern" is just a hilarious word here.


For obvious reasons I found that funny, too:

  • [SPAM?] Tabitha Bond: Bachelors, Masters, MBA, PhD can be yours in 4 weeks if you qualify.

So I am getting Bond emails after all.

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